It has been nearly two whole years since my last post and one would usually bemoan the flight of time. Has anything changed? Did anything change? Why did I stop writing, or rather, why did I procrastinate this long to write?
What changed surely, was my relationship status. In April 2017 I was single. Now, in March 2019 I'm married with a 7 month old son, battling anxiety and self-depreciation issues.
It was a slow realisation after being forced to answer "so what do you do for a living?"
Back twenty years ago when nobody knew the word zoology when I wanted to study it and be the next Steve Irwin (on hindsight, more like David Attenborough), it was the same thing trying to explain what does a Nature Educationist mean.
I used to go excitedly "oh, I studied zoology" (cue interested gasp or confused harrumph from person who asked) and the level of enthusiasm peters out to a "I'm doing nature education with kids" in almost a sad-like manner. Now, when people go "you must be so lucky to be able to do what you want and be with your child all the time" I just grit my teeth and mentally thank Tyra Banks for teaching that fake-smile method in America's Next Top Model episodes.
Truly, I have read more than a handful of articles and soul-baring posts by other Stay-At-Home Moms (SAHMs) and every word rings true. There's no such thing as making the extra effort to dress up a little bit nicer for wedding dinners when it's only you and husband wrestling a cranky infant who DOES NOT WANT TO WEAR THAT CUTE BOWTIE ROMPER for about half an hour and there's absolutely no way you can do your hair or makeup properly when you're trying to stifle a tear when husband says "why can't you iron that before wearing?" as if we don't need that extra time to just...breathe.
Like, does it matter when the baby's clinging to me all the time and messes it up eventually within 5 steps out the door and I have to remember to pack all the necessary baby paraphernalia instead of matching earrings and proper shoes?
How is it that I should go shopping for nicer clothes when nothing fits properly anymore - I don't even know whether it's fat or flab - and the stretchmarks that I'm supposed to be proud of are made more obvious by the dressing room lights, scars that don't seem that encouraging to the self esteem and becomes instead a heart-stabbing memory of how my body shape wasn't that great to begin with and now it's worse?
How am I to keep my head up when people think I do nothing at home as the laundry and dishes are piling up, dust bunnies are making themselves into a forest of tumbleweeds in every corner with my hair that dropped by the fistfuls, all of which I don't have the efficiency of Mary Poppins because a) I'm lethargic all the time and b) I'm spending too much time thinking, dreaming, planning my own business that doesn't seem to get off the ground as I wanted because I'm such a shitty-assed salesperson that actually goes into stupid brain mode in front of customers.
How am I to come to terms that I gave up sanity and my life-long love for animals to be a housewife and not depend on anyone else for help (because not only we can't afford a maid but very uncomfortable in having one if we could) or even have a proper and intellectual conversation? Being told daily that I'm forgetting something (everything, more like) isn't helping my Mariana Trench-level of self-esteem. Being reminded daily that I'm not doing anything mentally challenging, besides making sure we have enough clean clothes, is enough to knock me clean and out when my poor grasp of life and its workings is already hindering me from maturing emotionally after what seems like I've been half blind the whole time growing up.
I probably have anxiety issues that I think I made up in my head in order to seek attention. I am able to read articles and say "yes, I have all those symptoms" and turn around and say to myself "maybe you're just making it up so just shut up and get on with it, don't be such a whiny bitch"
Do I need help? Do I want help?
I really, in all seriousness, do not know.
In 2014 I hit the ground running when I left my David Attenborough life to come home.
In 2015 I decided to slow down to recollect myself and do a self check on my direction in life.
I feel like I'm sinking in quicksand and wading through treacle at the same time.
Scared. Confused. Tired.
