Am I just spoilt rotten that I am always looking for something more, something new, something different?
How happy am I with what I have now? Do I look for what I need instead of what I want? Do I acknowledge what I have and live with it?
If you look at the amount of eyeliners and mascara I own, the answer is probably no.
Am I just in actuality, an indecisive person leading a spontaneous lifestyle that jumps at every opportunity without much thought and then slip off due to lack of grip?
I didn't want to leave Sabah for a life of uncertainty in Penang so I grabbed the first thing I saw. On hindsight I should have bid my time despite my parents' assurance of support no matter what, and ignored my characteristic stubbornness.
Someone said to me once that I shouldn't be too independent. He was the superintendent of the university dorm I was staying at during the first year and a half of my undergraduate and those words were spoken to me after that creepy love letter episode following the naked dude episode.
Perhaps my unwillingness to ask and accept help when I am most in need of it was very obvious to others except myself. I am not the type to question...not that I haven't tried. The rare occassions I summon the courage to ask a 'stupid' question resulted in being ignored.
Ok, fine. I do speak too softly at times but that's beside the point.
No one has said no to me and I appreciate those resultant opportunities. However, those who didn't reject but stabbed my back are the ones who ended up making the bigger, longer lasting marks in my life. Hence, another step to make will be to reorganise my goals, priorities, and mindset. The policy I live by from not making any effort for those who do not care must be enforced rigidly.
I'm taking that step backwards...to regain my balance, to start building a more long term and efficient momentum.
I tendered my resignation...after a mere 3-4 months of being thrown into the deep end of aquaculture and microbiology. I've been trying so hard to tread water not knowing I'm doing it all wrong and am actually drowning.
But...a door closes so another can open, right? It may not be a door but a window...whatever the escape hatch it, I'm going through it.
After all, I do get what I want. It's just the matter of how I get there and how am I surviving the journey.
Friday 24 October 2014
Monday 20 October 2014
Reshuffling life in a few steps
Yesterday,
I took the step in changing parishes.
From the Church of the Immaculate Conception, Pulau Tikus, where I've been baptised and confirmed, where I've formed my faith in the last 20 odd years, to the Church of the Divine Mercy, Sungai Ara.
Pretty big leap, geographically, but I made the decision not because the kareshi is based there (after branching from CHS), but because of the sense of belonging which I've lost since confirmation. Friends that have been with me since the formation years in catechism have all gone, and I wasn't comfortable in the couple of ministries I joined as an attempt to integrate myself into the community.
So when I was offered, nagged, and pushed into joining CDM, I gave in. The first few steps were naturally apprehensive, afraid of being singled out, and questioned. However, amazingly, despite the differences in a well rehearsed tradition of a celebration, I felt very much at home. There was an opportunity to mingle with like minded people, and to keep in touch with my new sayangs that I have met in Choice. I was asked to present the offertory gifts with Z, and instead of fear and stress that I would have had for such a public moment, all I felt was peace and love. It was like giving something up voluntarily and feeling all the better for it- like jumping off a cliff and enjoying the cool lagoon below and not splattered all over the bedrock. That moment may cause people to get a misconception about Z and I but really, everyone always have a misconception about me so why break tradition?
Proving small-minded people wrong is one of the best things in life for a sense of selfish entitlement and superiority.
Haha....ok, no. It's just fascinating to see how narrow- and single-tracked minded some people can be. It's like watching Spongebob.
Today,
I made a step in making it a personal mission to not give up on people. To be Dumbledore again, forever giving people a second chance. To allow a forever possibility to keep in touch, to keep our lives entwined.
It is a human trait to only do something that benefits oneself, hence the recent lacklustre in communications between a group of friends. We blew up Whatsapp with 100s of messages a day in the first month and like a spawning event, it just...died down. People pulled out, started to say 'no', started to not just say 'no' but not responding at all.
Asking something from someone above the age of 5 without the promise of something in return is very difficult. Requesting time, effort, and especially money...they look for an investment or they look at it as a purchase. They want something back, more solid than gratitude. Understandable...the act of selflessness is a difficult thing and hence, is always looked upon as something commendable, encouraged but not pursued.
If I had pulled myself back...to think, to hell with them and their reserve, wouldn't I be like them?
So I'll commit to be myself, as usual, regardless of the quantity of responses towards friendships, relationships, and other commitments. My preference for quality time spent with those I care about and who cares enough in return is so much better than having life as a constant large-scale party.
The effort to keep in touch, will keep on going at least on my part. With some exceptions of course. Can't be keeping those filled with hypocrisy and negativity around...wouldn't make sense.
I wouldn't be me, oredi liddat.
I took the step in changing parishes.
From the Church of the Immaculate Conception, Pulau Tikus, where I've been baptised and confirmed, where I've formed my faith in the last 20 odd years, to the Church of the Divine Mercy, Sungai Ara.
Pretty big leap, geographically, but I made the decision not because the kareshi is based there (after branching from CHS), but because of the sense of belonging which I've lost since confirmation. Friends that have been with me since the formation years in catechism have all gone, and I wasn't comfortable in the couple of ministries I joined as an attempt to integrate myself into the community.
So when I was offered, nagged, and pushed into joining CDM, I gave in. The first few steps were naturally apprehensive, afraid of being singled out, and questioned. However, amazingly, despite the differences in a well rehearsed tradition of a celebration, I felt very much at home. There was an opportunity to mingle with like minded people, and to keep in touch with my new sayangs that I have met in Choice. I was asked to present the offertory gifts with Z, and instead of fear and stress that I would have had for such a public moment, all I felt was peace and love. It was like giving something up voluntarily and feeling all the better for it- like jumping off a cliff and enjoying the cool lagoon below and not splattered all over the bedrock. That moment may cause people to get a misconception about Z and I but really, everyone always have a misconception about me so why break tradition?
Proving small-minded people wrong is one of the best things in life for a sense of selfish entitlement and superiority.
Haha....ok, no. It's just fascinating to see how narrow- and single-tracked minded some people can be. It's like watching Spongebob.
Today,
I made a step in making it a personal mission to not give up on people. To be Dumbledore again, forever giving people a second chance. To allow a forever possibility to keep in touch, to keep our lives entwined.
It is a human trait to only do something that benefits oneself, hence the recent lacklustre in communications between a group of friends. We blew up Whatsapp with 100s of messages a day in the first month and like a spawning event, it just...died down. People pulled out, started to say 'no', started to not just say 'no' but not responding at all.
Asking something from someone above the age of 5 without the promise of something in return is very difficult. Requesting time, effort, and especially money...they look for an investment or they look at it as a purchase. They want something back, more solid than gratitude. Understandable...the act of selflessness is a difficult thing and hence, is always looked upon as something commendable, encouraged but not pursued.
If I had pulled myself back...to think, to hell with them and their reserve, wouldn't I be like them?
So I'll commit to be myself, as usual, regardless of the quantity of responses towards friendships, relationships, and other commitments. My preference for quality time spent with those I care about and who cares enough in return is so much better than having life as a constant large-scale party.
The effort to keep in touch, will keep on going at least on my part. With some exceptions of course. Can't be keeping those filled with hypocrisy and negativity around...wouldn't make sense.
I wouldn't be me, oredi liddat.
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