Am I?

Am I just spoilt rotten that I am always looking for something more, something new, something different?

How happy am I with what I have now? Do I look for what I need instead of what I want? Do I acknowledge what I have and live with it?
If you look at the amount of eyeliners and mascara I own, the answer is probably no.


Am I just in actuality, an indecisive person leading a spontaneous lifestyle that jumps at every opportunity without much thought and then slip off due to lack of grip?

I didn't want to leave Sabah for a life of uncertainty in Penang so I grabbed the first thing I saw. On hindsight I should have bid my time despite my parents' assurance of support no matter what, and ignored my characteristic stubbornness.

Someone said to me once that I shouldn't be too independent. He was the superintendent of the university dorm I was staying at during the first year and a half of my undergraduate and those words were spoken to me after that creepy love letter episode following the naked dude episode.

Perhaps my unwillingness to ask and accept help when I am most in need of it was very obvious to others except myself. I am not the type to question...not that I haven't tried. The rare occassions I summon the courage to ask a 'stupid' question resulted in being ignored.

Ok, fine. I do speak too softly at times but that's beside the point.

No one has said no to me and I appreciate those resultant opportunities. However, those who didn't reject but stabbed my back are the ones who ended up making the bigger, longer lasting marks in my life. Hence,  another step to make will be to reorganise my goals, priorities, and mindset. The policy I live by from not making any effort for those who do not care must be enforced rigidly.

I'm taking that step backwards...to regain my balance, to start building a more long term and efficient momentum.

I tendered my resignation...after a mere 3-4 months of being thrown into the deep end of aquaculture and microbiology. I've been trying so hard to tread water not knowing I'm doing it all wrong and am actually drowning.

But...a door closes so another can open, right? It may not be a door but a window...whatever the escape hatch it, I'm going through it.


After all, I do get what I want. It's just the matter of how I get there and how am I surviving the journey.