My choice. My consequences. My life.

She wrote what I didn't.

http://www.thestar.com.my/Lifestyle/Family/Features/2014/06/01/Heart-and-Soul-We-are-a-family/

And she had it easier.

As a family we weren't close. It wasn't habitual nor ritual. It's an obligation. The obligatory greetings and smiles a few times a year...

When I left on 30 June 2009 for another country I was elated. To finally be free and not-quite-but-still independant...and weirdly enough my severe animosity towards my youngest sister started to dissipate. I could hold a more coherent conservation with my parents, even though through text messaging instead of face to face because I tend to yell instead of throwing my phone (at something soft) to diffuse any tension.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Har har har.

My life as an undergraduate was admittedly a seclusive one. I avoided people as much as I could. I probably spent the most time, voluntarily, with Bronwyn Fancourt who could talk for the both of us as I absorbed everything like a newborn. Other than the occasional chit chat before, during, and after classes, I texted the kareshi a hell of a lot. He was my silent, unseen companion throughout those 3.5 years.

If I kept my eyes and ears open, and swallowed my pride in asking and buried my dignity in ruthless pursuit, I might have gotten far in realising that Steve Irwin-David Attenborough-NatGeo dream. But there's one thing that holds me back in pursuing the moon and it's one thing I find that I cannot give up for anything else.

Oh believe me, I tried...twice.
And both times it broke my heart.

It may rile a few feminist feathers to think I gave up a potentially high-flying career for a man. Especially when the relationship was 90% texting, chatting online and a few emails.Yes. We barely have facetime as a couple. Hell...the way I was going, we may never have facetime for more than a couple of weeks for the next few dozen years. Then what? Will we still be together? We tried going our separate ways but that just caused more misery.

So I took the risqué step of leaving DGFC to plonk myself back into the uncertainty in terms of a job/career just to have a normal relationship where the kareshi and I are not separated by more than a 45min drive in bad traffic. There aren't any confirmed commitments  but I feel this is a step to something more stable. True,  I'm deathly afraid that it may not work out but this is definitely, definitely, definitely, a worthwhile risk to find out because what we have is worth more than a fear of losing a race un-run.

Give me the scars of a past to build upon than whispers of what-ifs.