Jump on the Bandwagon

So I mentioned an ex-classmate and an ex-university mate got married in the same day. I found out,  after extensive periods on the internet, that another ex-high school mate and someone else from university as well got married very recently too.

Jump on the bandwagon? No thanks.

But this is age where everyone my age starts tying knots right?

Yes.. but no. I'd hate to think I got married just because someone else did as well. Have I demonstrated how insecure I am yet?

I'm not skinny enough.
I've got stretch marks that he wouldn't like.
I'm not financially viable.
I'm fat.

You thought I was a very confident person? Sorry...no refunds.

I've had evil thoughts...like:

>Gosh that woman's so fat and has a bulbous nose and she's got kids, so fat people do have sex so there's hope for me yet.
>Yes, but the man only needs to close his eyes, slather on vaseline and find the hole.

My mom is quite keen on me getting married as well I think, from what she (and dad) has been hinting everytime I go home for the holidays.

In all blatant,  soul-baring honesty,  I never thought I would.

I so love my kareshi very much and yes, I've entertained fantasies where I have his babies but therein lies the problem; I treated them as harmless fantasies.  I expected them to remain as random thoughts of a society influenced person like many others.

Marriage
Sex
Babies
Family
Life
Travelling

All that for other people, not me. Don't talk to me about FOMO. I have friends with pictures from Bali, NZ, Europe, Vietnam, fucking Italy and all I had to compare was a lousy picture of me and a baby echidna about to projectile pee. I never had a clique in school.  I spent half my recess in the canteen with those in science classes, and another half with other friends in the arts stream. There's no one I grew up with or went to school with before university that I could talk to about what I've been learning with the same commiserating empathy. The new acquaintances I had didn't have the comfort of history.  They had their own cliques from college or pre-U or local school. How do one integrate into an already seamed-up fabric? I can't even hold long, meaningful conversations, either face to face or on screen. I avoid eye contact when I'm out and about even with neighbours I don't have a feud with. I don't like striking up conversation with strangers unless there's no chance it'll be more than a one liner to diffuse a tensed situation.

Talk about misanthropy

People in the same field, the same line of work with the same experience and education are mostly pursuing higher degrees I have no intention, inspiration, nor interest to despite the possibilities. We can discuss the banes and boons of wildlife research now and then but for something that I've been pursuing with the utmost intensity for 15years,  I can't continue those discussions or conversations without it turning to statistics and politics, things I don't have the nerve for.

I am trying to explain that those six things doesn't seem to be in my deck of cards. I'm tired of forging my own path that I can't share with anyone. I'm sick of being left out, forgotten, misunderstood. I'm not that different from anyone else so why am I left behind?

I can't jump on the bandwagon. I didn't miss it. I just didn't have a ticket in the first place.