Growing Up and Planning Ahead

I'm not good with future planning. 

Especially in terms of more than the next few hours until lunch time. 

For the past year, I've been telling myself to find the time to sit down and sift through my thoughts, list down goals and resolutions, set timelines and deadlines, and track the progress. I downloaded all sorts of applications, bought all sorts of diaries and journals (plus pretty pens and sticky notes to go along with it as a form of inspiration or encouragement), tagged all self-improvement articles for later reading...

It's been a year since all that and I've done shit loads of nothing. 
Like my weight, my motivation fluctuated.

Last week at work, there was a meeting with my colleagues and Managing Director on planning events for the year - something my sister, who majored in Event Management, would scoff at, saying that was something we should have done in (probably) October the year before. Soon, I'll share those plans.

That was the first forward planning I've ever done in my entire life other than noting down the dates for major exams during schooling years (mostly so that my mom would be able to take leave during those dates. Nothing to do with my revision planning).

It was a realisation of my lack of commitment for anything. I've never put in 100% effort and was subconsciously ever ready to pull out, relocate, cut losses, minimise damage, ensure I've at least skimmed the surface of everything to say I've been there and done that.

I've had this feeling that I should "hurry, hurry, hurry, there's not much time to do all this" in my field and if I linger too long, I'll miss out, lose out, too late it's gone....

The result was a constant unsatisfactory feeling with whatever I do since I'm trying to adopt the principle of "DOING IT PROPERLY OR DON'T DO IT AT ALL."

Honestly, I have been berating myself for the past few months and during my quiet times when I try to psyche myself up to improve, I can truly say there's one thing that I'm committing myself to 100% recently. It wasn't a conscious decision, not a spur of the moment 'why not' inspired thought that resulted in a quick start and equally quick die-off, none of my usual apprehension and the subsequent lackluster effort, none of the 'go with the flow and see where it goes'.

Where are the warning bells in my head?
Where is the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach?
Where is the niggling discomfort at the back of my head?
Where is the impending sense of regret?

All I know is that whatever this is that I've committed myself to is permanent. There's no doubt nor hesitation. I still have no idea why but it fits. Seamlessly. No creases, no wrinkles; no displeasure, no discomfort. What was considered weird or uncharacteristic of me became a natural habit of sorts that I wasn't averse to.