Flash in the pan

That's me.

Lightning quick starts. Electrocuting impromptus. 

Then no more.

You see, even my #100happydays didn't make it halfway. It wasn't that I couldn't choose between a variety of happy things to focus on each day. Instead, since that last post, it was a slow but steady avalanche of happenings and responsibilities until I was feeling pretty overwhelmed.

I can admit it now, on hindsight, that I'm prone to bouts of depression, yet still partially aware that at some point if each period goes on too long, I will need to seek help and I'm not talking spiritually nor emotionally, but professionally.

I wanted to go home. Even when if I was at home, standing on the balcony in the middle of the night so I won't wake the danna, looking up into heat-lightning lit skies, all I could think of, all I could cry out silently was I want to go home. I didn't even know what that means.

Then came a whole load of work that tired me out so much physically until that I believe it was possible to block out half of my brain activity. A constant dull buzz droned at the back of my head and my thoughts were flitting about and never really settled until exhaustion draped over me.

My last blog post was about planning ahead, in terms of events for the rest of the year. Last week, there was some sort of a follow up on my progress and it hit me that I am still taking things for granted. I didn't take Lent seriously as planned in order to change and during the Holy Week leading to Easter, it was a blow in the face, a punch in the gut.

I was asked what were my strengths and with the answers I gave, my MD said that I 'very quickly went into my weaknesses' instead. How can I tell her that I work better alone, that I have a habit of having a period of silent observation before being proactive? I thought I would carve out some time, an hour or so, to write it all down and as usual, expect to be able to dig myself out from whatever shit hole I fell into.

Somehow, the danna, being the amazing person he is, put things into a different perspective for me. It's like trying to jump out of the shit hole and he's shown me that I can just churn the proverbial butter instead. Instead of being just a shoulder to lean on or being a sympathetic ear, he probes deeper to make me see things clearer. Marvellous, really, that it doesn't take much for him to break my walls. Must be all that badminton he plays xP

So instead of jumping into things too fast or holding back too long, I now know I need to not be adverse on seeking advice from others and listen to that little voice more closely without second guessing it.

It's a new start...close to a week into the second quarter of the year.

Wish me luck