Raucous silence

For a year or more, I've been having this impending sense of doom... a vague feeling of dread, of things left unfinished, matters left unattended. 

It affects me now and then but I always put it down to PMS until I realise these weird depressing emotions don't follow my menstrual cycle at all.

Perhaps I'm thinking too much. 

Keeping too much inside, a habit cultivated in 5 years of being a partial hermit - active in social media but no where else.

I kept often to myself in Australia and Sabah, albeit loving the environment and appreciating the finer bits, I tend to withdraw from both crowds and one on ones. I would take solo bus rides to suburban places in Tasmania, hop on the nearest tram with no qualms in Melbourne, take mini solo (and prohibited) solo walks in Danau Girang and make those 2hr one-way drives myself from Lahad Datu to Tawau during car services.

Five years of talking mostly to myself.

Ken was the one I talked to the most but obviously, it wasn't a live chat and he only replies when he can. Nevertheless, a reprieve from the crowding of thoughts in my head.

Now, the danna says my mind flits around a lot and he pauses quite a bit during conversations with me since I can, and have, talk about multiple things at once. Long ago, I could hold a MSN conversation with Ying about three different and totally unrelated things at once. If you can imagine, we both type quite speedily and the messages were all so jumbled up that even some international secret intelligence were monitoring us, they would probably flip their consoles FTS!

I can't just start talking to random people. That isn't me. But what is me is that I'm always self-evolving. Adapting to changes in order not to be categorised or seen as in a specific way. THAT I know of myself. Since young, if someone tells me "oh, I see your favourite colour is blue?" I deny and start having more red stuff. If they tell me they notice I like a certain genre of music, a style of dressing, a choice of reads, I deny and deny until the cock crows three times. I've even changed my handwriting every year!

So now knowing that I'm deathly afraid of public speaking, lethally frightened by proactive leadership, I find myself being put into those situations, purely, I believe, by my well-trained subconscious.

What have I done?

Halfway into the first month of the second quarter of the year and what have I achieved?